Email: violetgoldwyn@proton.me
I want to make clear that you are welcome to contact me privately. If you know Jerry and have questions or would just like to talk, I am open and willing to engage honestly and without judgment. That invitation also extends to anyone struggling to put together the pieces of any relationship involving manipulation, information management, or coercive control, whether Jerry is part of your story or not. Anything shared with me in confidence will be treated as confidential. If you know or care about someone who has been through something similar, please also feel free to contact me. I am open to speaking with anyone with genuine interest in my story, my writing, or if you just need someone to talk to.
One of the ways Jerry has benefited is by keeping some relationships separate and some people isolated. When different people have different pieces of information, it can be difficult to understand what is happening. You can find yourself questioning your judgment without realizing how much you have never been given the opportunity to know. That is part of why I have reached out to some people who have been involved with him and spoken with some of them. I have not publicly shared anything I’ve been told by someone who has been involved with Jerry, and I would not do so without explicit permission.
I know how disorienting these experiences can be. There is no shame in having believed someone, remained attached, stayed longer than you wish you had, or struggled to leave. Being manipulated is not the fault of the person experiencing it. Jerry is responsible for his choices and behavior. I do not blame other people for the harm he caused me and they certainly should not blame themselves if they feel they have also been harmed by him.
It took me much longer than I wanted to leave my relationship with Jerry. I was still attached to him and to a history that mattered to me. Leaving meant grieving the relationship I had believed we shared. It can be difficult to let go when you still hope something will happen to make the love, time, and effort you have given feel worthwhile. But staying longer could not make the earlier deception honest or give me back the choices I should have had at the time. The care I felt was real, and I did not have to continue the relationship to prove that it had mattered to me.
When I decided to leave my marriage, I could have listed at least a dozen good reasons to stay. We had a wonderful life in many ways, and I was committed to making it work. I tried for as long as I could to do my part. There was so much about our life together that I valued, and in many ways, staying would have been easier. My former husband had many wonderful qualities and he loved me to the best of his ability for many, many years. There is so much between us that I will always be grateful for. Leaving did not mean I had stopped caring, and it certainly did not erase the decades of memories we shared. I came to accept that there were things I loved about him and our life that I would lose by leaving. It was not a decision I made lightly, and I also have no regrets because it was the right decision for me and for my children. I can be certain of that and still recognize how much good there was to let go and just how hard it was.
My relationship with Jerry also occurred during some of the toughest times in my life, alongside brutal losses for my family. All of it has affected me deeply in ways I am still figuring out. Processing painful experiences takes the time it takes, and I am proud of the ways I have continued to find joy and hope while carrying that grief. There are things I am still making sense of and opportunities I am excited to pursue. Both are part of my life now.
I know it can be hard to find someone who will listen without judging you or your partner, or telling you what to do. It can be difficult to explain what is hurting you when you also feel protective of someone you care about. Having someone you can speak honestly with—a trusted friend, family member, or therapist—can help you sort through what is happening. You need room to ask questions, express conflicting feelings, and consider your choices with someone who respects that those choices are yours.
You are welcome to contact me with questions, information, or experiences you are trying to understand. I am open to listening and if requested sharing what I have learned. If a loved one’s drinking or substance use has affected your life, Al-Anon can be a wonderful source of understanding and support.
You are not alone. If you are struggling with something, please don’t be afraid to reach out to someone. There are people out there who genuinely care.
-Violet