Questions and Puzzle Pieces

I’ve talked a lot about the fact that I am someone who always tries to give people the benefit of the doubt. I don’t consider this a personality flaw or a weakness. Where I struggled with Jerry was that I thought I had a good understanding of what those doubts were.

I thought his words and actions showed he cared about me as a person. His choices to deceive and manipulate me left me not knowing the right questions to ask, or maybe asking one small question at a time. I keep wondering what, questions, if any, might have made me stop and look more closely.

Those small individual doubts were so easy to brush off. He was so sweet and sensitive, kind and funny. He wasn’t doing anything to intentionally hurt me.

It wasn’t until I started asking all the questions together that things started adding up and the puzzle became clearer to see.

These are the kinds of questions I started asking. Individually they might be easy to answer. People aren’t perfect, of course they make mistakes and mess up. These aren’t trick questions, they are basic questions about communication and boundaries. It’s not about individual mistakes, it’s about what comes after.

If you recognize any of these questions in your own relationship, think about what happened next, whether it happened again, or what changed after you raised the question. Don’t let someone hide the pieces from you.

What you know about him

How much of what you know about him comes from things you’ve seen for yourself over time, and how much comes from what he’s told you?
Have you ever learned something about him that would have affected your decision to get involved if you’d known sooner?
Have you ever discovered that an answer he gave you was technically true but left you believing something that wasn’t?
Have you ever explained away a gap in his story, then later realized your explanation wasn’t one he’d actually given you?
Has he ever told you about a past conflict in detail while saying very little about what he did?
Have you ever taken his willingness to talk about some difficult things as proof that he wasn’t hiding others?
Have you ever felt that asking for a clear answer would mean proving you didn’t trust him?
Has he ever described someone who challenged him as jealous, unstable, or controlling without explaining what they were actually upset about?
Has he ever discouraged you from hearing someone’s account by telling you in advance why they couldn’t be trusted?
Has he ever asked you to defend him against a complaint when you knew the details only from him?

Understanding your relationship

How did you decide what this relationship would be? Did you both say what you wanted, or did you find yourself fitting into what he was already offering?
Have you ever learned that you had different understandings of honesty, privacy, commitment, or boundaries only after something had gone wrong?
What have you each clearly said is okay, not okay, or something you need to discuss first? How were those limits acknowledged?
Have you ever agreed to an arrangement because it seemed to be the only way to keep seeing him?
Have you ever tried to put an expectation or limit into plain words and found that he kept the conversation vague?
Has he ever presented a decision made elsewhere as something you simply had to accept, after you’d already become involved?
Has he ever said that everyone involved knew and agreed, without explaining what he’d actually told them?
Have you ever heard him describe your relationship to someone else in a way that didn’t match what he’d told you?

Care and follow-through

Have you ever been expected to rearrange your life around his availability while your own availability was treated as flexible?
Have you ever noticed that he respects your choices until respecting one means giving up something he wants?
Has he ever done something thoughtful after hurting you, then treated the thoughtful gesture as a reason the hurt should be put behind you?
Have you ever felt ungrateful for raising a concern because he had recently been generous, affectionate, or helpful?
Have you ever received the most attention or affection when you were beginning to pull away?
Has he ever apologized for how you felt without naming what he did?
Has he ever promised a change when he thought he might lose you, then let the promise fade once you felt close again?

Making choices and setting limits

Have you ever thought you were making a decision together, then realized you were only choosing between options he’d already selected?
Has he ever accepted your no in words, then kept asking in different ways?
Has he ever become distant, withdrawn affection, or stopped responding after you turned him down, did not agree to something he wanted, or challenged a choice he made?
Has he ever crossed a limit you’d already explained, then said he forgot, misunderstood, or thought this time would be different?
Have you ever changed your mind after time away from him and realized you had agreed to something you didn’t want?

Talking things through

Have you ever felt reassured by a conversation, then realized afterward that your question still hadn’t been answered?
Have you ever spent more time working out how to raise a concern than he spent addressing the concern itself?
Has he ever agreed that your question was reasonable without actually answering it or acknowledging your concern?
Have you ever started a conversation wanting an explanation and ended it apologizing for bringing the subject up?
Has he ever ended a difficult conversation because he needed time, then repeatedly avoided returning to it?
Over time, have you started raising fewer concerns because earlier conversations left you with more tension and no clearer answer?
Think about the last three difficult subjects you raised. Which were actually resolved, and which became subjects you stopped mentioning?

Sex and BDSM

Has he ever started something sexual you hadn’t discussed and left you to interrupt it if you didn’t want it?
Has he ever continued when you hesitated, went quiet, froze, or seemed unsure, without checking whether you wanted to continue?
Have you ever gone along with something because stopping it felt harder than letting it continue?
Have you ever learned about other partners, sexual health, or protection only after you’d already made a sexual decision that information would have affected?
Before BDSM began, did you agree on the specific activities, how intense they could be, and what was off limits, or were you expected to find your limits while it was happening?
Before trying something new, were the risks and steps to reduce them explained, along with what experience or training he actually had?
Had you discussed injuries, health conditions, triggers, and what kind of marks you did or didn’t want before starting?
Had you agreed how to stop, including a signal you could actually use if you couldn’t speak?
Have you ever been restrained without a clear plan for releasing you quickly or getting help if something went wrong?
Has he ever asked you to agree to more intense or different activities while you were already restrained, overwhelmed, or deep in a scene?
Has he ever used being more experienced as a reason you should defer to him about your own comfort or safety?
Has he ever treated asking for an explanation, changing a limit, or withdrawing consent as disobedience that deserved punishment?
Have you ever felt you needed his permission to stop a scene, pause the dynamic, seek advice, or end the relationship?
Had you agreed what care and follow-up you wanted afterward, and what would happen if either of you felt hurt, unsettled, or injured?

How the relationship affects you

Has he ever used something you’d shared about your past or insecurities to explain why your concern wasn’t reliable?
Have you ever found yourself trying to prove you were open-minded or trusting by accepting something you didn’t want or doing something you didn’t want to do?
Have you ever realized you were working harder to understand why the relationship was this way than deciding whether it was what you wanted?
Has he ever asked you to keep something private without explaining who it was being kept from or why?
Have you ever been asked to keep a secret that affected someone else’s ability to decide what they were agreeing to?
Have you ever stopped telling someone you trust about parts of the relationship because you knew they would be concerned?
Has he ever expected you to offer patience, privacy, flexibility, or reassurance that he was unwilling to offer you?
Have you ever taken on the practical or emotional consequences of something he promised to handle?
Have you ever been left making the plans, raising the problems, and checking whether anything had changed while he described the relationship as equally shared?
Have you ever noticed that keeping the relationship working depended on you asking for less, even if you were already struggling?
If the relationship ended, what would you have to rebuild or rearrange? What would change in his life?
Have you told yourself that you could and would leave if you needed to, then found yourself questioning whether that was actually true?